Examination of Conscience
by kiReiUGLY
Summary: a year after session 26 and the events that take place have everyone thinking...sorta cliched and lacking lots of creative juices. MY 1ST FIC! be gentle and review please
1. Finding the Past, Losing the Future

1 Examination of Conscience Pt. I: Finding the Past, Losing the Future  
  
Disclaimer: no I don't and never will own Cowboy Bebop  
  
By the way, please read my story with the consideration that it is the first fic I've written and I don't particularly think it's good. The only reason I submitted it is because I want to get people to review it. So tell me what you think…anything at all! Only… I don't take to curse words too well if they're directed at me so try not to be TOO hard on me. Thanks!  
  
Faye's POV  
  
The last time I saw him.  
  
Let me think…Oh yah. It was the day he left us. The day he forgot all about Jet and me and decided to leave us out of his life forever. That day. I can't believe I let him see a part of me that I have always kept so secret. All the time I had known him, I always kept my "too cool" composure. I never let him in. but something about that day… something about the way he just waltzed out there, ready to meet death. I just couldn't take it.  
  
The truth was, I had fallen in love. I never seemed the type to fall quickly in and out of love, but it happened. Mostly cuz all the guys had just laid themselves in front of me. He was different; his heart was already taken. I knew that it would never work, but I liked the challenge. If I ultimately set myself up for my own undoing, then why could I not let him go? Why was my heart so desperately calling out to his? At that moment, all I wanted was for him to stay with us. I didn't care if he loved me. I didn't care if he started being nice to me (although I wouldn't have complained either). All I wanted was that he stayed and didn't give Vicious the chance to kill him. I didn't want Spike to let himself be killed.  
  
Now look where we are. There is no more Bebop. We're all just deserters in the end then aren't we? And to think, I had once called it home. Home. Now I don't have one. Why am I always alone?  
  
I found myself being occupied by horrible thoughts that dwelled too much on the painful past. Walks in the rain, mind-numbing nightmares that wake me in the middle of the night. These often bring back thoughts about that tall, mysterious man. It's been nearly a year after he left without (technically) saying goodbye and still I couldn't comprehend the reasons why.  
  
Why couldn't he let go of his past when I had given up on mine?  
  
Here I am, again, thinking of the old times. Times I considered the happiest even though they were filled with bitter sarcasm and cruel criticism. You know, I really wish we could go back to those times. Too bad that damn cowboy had to go ride off into the sunset. He had to get his final bounty.  
  
I should've shot him.  
  
Yah. That would've stopped him. I think. He couldn't just go off to kill Vicious when he had 5 bullets in him. But then again, he probably would've bled to death. At least I would've seen him in his last moments. I would've been able to hold him in my arms before he went off to sleep eternally. If I had the chance, I would've told him how deeply I felt for him. I would've told him that I loved him ever since I first cheated him at blackjack. I loved him ever since he first handcuffed me in the bathroom. I was so crazy in love with him that just being in the same room with him made me so uncomfortable that I had to break the tension by being a pain in the ass to him. I still have those same feelings. Only now he's not here for me to admire (annoy) everyday.  
  
What I would give to just see him again.  
  
And if I was there, right before his death, I would've stepped in front of him at that exact moment and Vicious would've taken my life instead of his.  
  
And what's up with Julia?  
  
I never really understood why he loved Julia so much. Sure she was beautiful, and mysterious, and dangerous. But why? Even after three years of not knowing where she was. Even after she stood him up and just fled from the syndicate. If you ask me, I think it's all her fault. Judging by the rivalry between Vicious and Spike, I'm betting it was all cuz of her. Spike. Spike. Spike…  
  
Why do I say his name as if it will make him come back…?  
  
His name brings me pleasure and pain at the same time. It revokes sweet memories of Bebop and causes an aching in my heart. A longing for him. Why couldn't he love me? Wasn't I enough of a woman for him? Now it seems these questions will never be answered. He couldn't very well answer them from his grave could he?  
  
Could he…?  
  
My mind often fantasizes the what-ifs that could have been. Like what if he weren't really dead or what if he mysteriously came back. No. I know those things are too preposterous to even be possible. Judging by the accounts given on the news, the scene at the Red Dragons headquarters must've been a real bad turnout.  
  
There was no way that miracle boy could've made it out alive…  
  
It's just so damn depressing. I guess Spike just loved to go tragic didn't he? 


	2. The Way of the Lonely Cowboy

1  
  
Examination of Conscience Pt. 2: The Way of the Lonely Cowboy  
  
Disclaimer: Yah, yah… I'll give you all this stuff. Tell you I don't own Cowboy Bebop and all that jazz, but what does it help anyway? In the end, it's just a hurtful statement because I know it'll crush this overgrown little girl's every hope and dream. We don't have to do that do we?? Eh… I was just kidding. Sorry about my last chapter. I know…it majorly sucked and still continues to do so… heh* sue me if you like  
  
SPIKE'S POV  
  
I had to go. I knew it, he knew it. So she had to have known the same. Come on, life on the BeBop couldn't last forever. Or maybe it could've? Either way, we'll never know. I had to settle things with Vicious. It was the only way to stop the flashbacks. The only way to stop the past from interfering with my present and my future. If I had a future.  
  
Life on the good ship Bebop? How can I put it…? Life was…interesting. Between bullying a tomboy, suffering the psychotic fits of a genius thirteen year-old, being outwitted by a dog, and eating otherwise poisonous food served by an ex-ISSP officer with a metal arm, I'd say life was being fulfilled. But then there would always be something to ruin life's precious little moments. Yes, those damn flashbacks again. They never let me rest. So the confrontation had to happen sooner or later.  
  
Any last thoughts, cowboy?  
  
I wasn't going there to die, remember? Hah. That's a laugh. But would dying be such a bad thing? Julia. I loved her with all my heart. She was the only woman who ever made me feel so alive. And now she's gone. Would it be so bad if I were gone too? I don't mean to be so selfish, but don't I deserve to set my mind at ease after the girl I love is dead because of me? Julia wouldn't be dead if our little affair hadn't been discovered. She would still be alive. She would still be here for me to hold. I can smell the soft scent of her golden hair now.  
  
Another flashback.  
  
Shredded paper. A single, beautiful rose in muddy water. Symbolic of Julia's futile situation, stuck between two lovers. Between life and death. Unexpected gunfire. A false suicide.  
  
Why was it always this? I didn't want to remember this. And yet the memory hung in my mind like the dark gray cloud of smoke that usually surrounded my head when I smoked my cigarettes. I was convinced that killing Vicious would help stop the memories that came at me like a thousand of his kitanas (AN: is it kitana or katana?? Sorry if I got it wrong). Nothing was more painful than those evil memories I wanted to forget. And only one thing could stop me.  
  
Faye. She had definitely earned a spot in my piece of junk heart. Not really in a romantic way. More like an annoying little sister way. I really felt for her when she stood there, shooting off her gun into the air. But then again, I didn't get it. Why would she put so much effort into stopping me when our whole relationship basically depended on our everyday taunting? Maybe the wench wasn't so bad. She did have a little mystery to her after all.  
  
What's this? A different flashback? No. It wasn't a flashback at all.  
  
An image on the Bebop flashed before my mind and faded away just as quickly as it had come. We were all there. The whole Bebop crew in all its glory. Jet, Ed, Ein, me, and of course Faye. And we were happy. What's happiness? It's just a word isn't it? I often wondered how one word could so constantly elude me. And I wondered how one little emotion could escape my life for as long as I could remember.  
  
A year ago, I started my search for that very happiness I lack today. I raided the Red Dragons and went straight for Vicious. After it all ended, I lied in the puddle of my own blood and I didn't think I would make it out alive. Then Shin came with paramedics. As they lifted me onto the stretcher I felt as if the burden had been lifted from me. As if all the guilt had been taken from my soul and died when Vicious breathed his last breath. I took a good look at my old comrade.  
  
Why had I hated him so much? Was Julia the only reason for our bitter quarrel? I hope not because now that they were both gone, I wanted all of the grudges to be dissolved in the blood that was shed for our sorry cause. All the lives that were lost, all the pain that was felt. I realize now that it was all unnecessary. We should've just lived our lives according to what we knew best. Maybe this is what we knew best.  
  
Oh well I guess that's just life… 


End file.
